Why Being Infertile Isn't The End Of The World, Even Though It May Feel Like It Now

Full disclosure: I don’t know if I’m infertile or not. I’ve never been tested, but I’ve had my suspicions throughout the years. Here’s the thing though…I’ve never had a strong desire to have biological children, so finding out that I was infertile wouldn’t phase me too much. On the other hand, my sister has always wanted a family. Thankfully, she and her husband are currently expecting their second child. However, if she had been given the news that she or her husband were infertile, I imagine it would have been devastating. Infertility affects different people in different ways, and for some people infertility can feel like the end of their hopes and dreams for what their life will be like.

This is the part where I’m going to repeat the super-insensitive phrase that is the title of this blog post (and hopefully not offend anyone): regardless of whether you dream of pregnancy and children or whether you are content with your fur-baby (I love you, Moxie!), being infertile isn’t the end of the world. You heard me: infertility is NOT the end of the world.

Here are some things that WOULD be the end of the world…a global pandemic (a la ebola, for example), a major asteroid impact, nuclear warfare, climate change, and let’s not forget the dreaded zombie apocalypse. Now before you shoot me, I’m just trying to inject a little humor into an admittedly heavy topic and give everyone a reminder of the proverbial, “it could always be worse.” In no way am I mocking, condescending, preaching, or minimalizing the very real feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and despair that infertility can bring. But I do know from personal experience as an unrelenting pessimist that there are times when we need to step back and get a fresh perspective on things.

Usually, things are not as bad as they seem. Sometimes, they are exactly as bad as they seem. But rarely are things hopeless. Infertility is a struggle, a hurdle, and a wound that you may carry your whole life and that may never fully heal. Every person is different, and some people will “move on” quickly while for others it may be a constant struggle. But it IS possible to find comfort, to find support, and to find happiness and fulfillment in your life. There are numerous infertility resources available, including online forums, message boards, and support groups. Remember, you are not alone on your journey. In the words of Anne Frank, “think of all the beauty still left around you, and be happy.” 

Written by: Margaret Durkovic

Infertility Support: How To Handle The News That You're Infertile

The news that you are infertile may come as the confirmation of a secret fear, or it may come as a total shock. The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone—infertility is more common than most people realize. According to the National Infertility Association, “one in eight U.S. couples of childbearing age has trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy.”

The second thing you need to know is that every person responds to the news differently and that whatever you are feeling (shock, anger, fear, guilt, despair, relief) is valid. There is no universal way you “should be” or “should not be” feeling or responding to the news. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are just plain wrong!

The third thing you need to know is that there is help. Here are some tips that therapists recommended for coping with infertility.

First, take some time privately to deal with your thoughts and feelings about the situation. Journaling can be a good way to do this, as it allows you to express yourself honestly without being worried about other people’s reactions, perceptions, or judgements. Then, when you’re ready and feel comfortable, share some of your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust, like a close friend or family member. Keep in mind that it can sometimes be difficult for people who have never wanted to start a family or experienced infertility to understand exactly what you are going through.

This is where seeking advice and support from other individuals who have experienced infertility comes in. If you don’t personally know any people who have struggled with infertility, that’s ok; there are numerous online resources for infertility, including message boards and support groups. One of these is FertilityTies.com,  “a community where you can get medical information and peer support from others in similar situations.” Also, if you’re comfortable using social media to seek advice and support, you may find that you know more people who have dealt with infertility than you thought (friends, friends of friends, that kind of thing).

Another wonderful resource if you’re looking for infertility support groups is through the National Infertility Association. RESOLVE Support Groups are free and they offer two types of groups, peer-led support groups and professionally-led support groups. Peer-led groups are facilitated by volunteers, not by a professional counselor, and typically last about two hours per group. Professionally-led support groups are facilitated by a mental health professional and are more structured (weekly sessions for 10-12 weeks, specific topics discussed, limited to a small amount of individuals or couples).

To find RESOLVE support groups in your area, click on the following link: http://www.resolve.org/support/support-group/support-groups-list.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

Finally, speaking of professionals…it is never a bad idea to seek the help of a licensed mental health professional in coping with the news that you are infertile, especially if you find yourself experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or just feel that you could benefit from professional guidance. Infertility is an incredibly difficult thing to process, but no matter what it’s important to remember that you are not alone. 

Written by: Margaret Durkovic