Why Being Infertile Isn't The End Of The World, Even Though It May Feel Like It Now

Full disclosure: I don’t know if I’m infertile or not. I’ve never been tested, but I’ve had my suspicions throughout the years. Here’s the thing though…I’ve never had a strong desire to have biological children, so finding out that I was infertile wouldn’t phase me too much. On the other hand, my sister has always wanted a family. Thankfully, she and her husband are currently expecting their second child. However, if she had been given the news that she or her husband were infertile, I imagine it would have been devastating. Infertility affects different people in different ways, and for some people infertility can feel like the end of their hopes and dreams for what their life will be like.

This is the part where I’m going to repeat the super-insensitive phrase that is the title of this blog post (and hopefully not offend anyone): regardless of whether you dream of pregnancy and children or whether you are content with your fur-baby (I love you, Moxie!), being infertile isn’t the end of the world. You heard me: infertility is NOT the end of the world.

Here are some things that WOULD be the end of the world…a global pandemic (a la ebola, for example), a major asteroid impact, nuclear warfare, climate change, and let’s not forget the dreaded zombie apocalypse. Now before you shoot me, I’m just trying to inject a little humor into an admittedly heavy topic and give everyone a reminder of the proverbial, “it could always be worse.” In no way am I mocking, condescending, preaching, or minimalizing the very real feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and despair that infertility can bring. But I do know from personal experience as an unrelenting pessimist that there are times when we need to step back and get a fresh perspective on things.

Usually, things are not as bad as they seem. Sometimes, they are exactly as bad as they seem. But rarely are things hopeless. Infertility is a struggle, a hurdle, and a wound that you may carry your whole life and that may never fully heal. Every person is different, and some people will “move on” quickly while for others it may be a constant struggle. But it IS possible to find comfort, to find support, and to find happiness and fulfillment in your life. There are numerous infertility resources available, including online forums, message boards, and support groups. Remember, you are not alone on your journey. In the words of Anne Frank, “think of all the beauty still left around you, and be happy.” 

Written by: Margaret Durkovic

How To Cope With Your Partner Being Infertile

You just found out your partner is infertile. A million worries, emotions, and questions are probably running through your mind about what this means for your partner and for your relationship. You may also be worried about what to say or how to handle the situation…how to cope with infertility is not something everyone just automatically knows how to do!

Fortunately, you are not the first person who has had an infertile partner, and there are many things that can help you (and them!) cope. Here are a few “do’s” and “don’ts” that can get you started.

DON’T: blame

Pointing fingers and finding fault won’t make anyone feel better about the situation, and it certainly won’t fix the problem. You may experience feelings of blame and/or resentment, and this is perfectly normal. Acknowledge those feelings, but don’t take them out on your partner! He/She didn’t choose to be infertile any more than you chose to break your ankle skiing that one time.

DON’T: analyze the past

Hindsight is 20/20, and you can make yourself crazy with “what if” scenarios…”what if we’d tried to have a baby earlier?” “what if I’d know about this before we got together?” The reality is that infertility is usually caused by factors beyond anyone’s control, and even if you or your partner could have done anything differently, you can’t change the past. All you can do is focus on the present, on possible solutions, and on how you want to handle the situation.

DO: get in touch with your own feelings

Take some time privately to process how you feel about the situation. Journaling can be helpful, as can talking with a trusted friend or family member. Remember, your partner may be feeling or handling the news very differently from you, and that’s ok. Make sure take the time to process your own emotions as well as be considerate of theirs.

DO: ask your partner what he or she needs from you

Don’t just assume you know how the other person feels, and don’t assume you know what he or she needs from you. Different people handle infertility differently, and something that would help you feel supported might have the opposite effect on your partner. Be patient!

DO: communicate

This goes hand in hand with the above advice. “Studies show that couples who keep their feelings hidden are much more likely to have problems related to the stress of infertility.” Communicate with your partner—find out how they are feeling and what you can do to help, and clearly express your own feelings and needs to them. Make a plan of action, together!

DO: seek outside help

Talk to family, friends, infertility support groups, or even a professional therapist. This is something that you can do individually to help you cope with your own feelings, and this is something you can also do together. There are all kinds of resources out there!

The bottom line? Infertility can have a negative impact on your relationship…but it doesn’t have to! 

Written by: Margaret Durkovic

How to Deal With Infertility Treatment Not Going As Planned

“It’s not fair, there are babies having babies every day. I’m ready - I have a supportive partner, a stable job, and I want a family. Why isn’t this working?”

Exploring different fertility solutions can be really hard, and in a lot of different ways, but you’re not alone. Many women are now pushing children back on their timelines so they can focus on themselves, their relationships, and their careers. Unfortunately, the fertility timeline has stayed the same, so these women can often struggle with infertility. 

In fact, “infertility” was recently redefined - any couple who has been unsuccessful at getting pregnant after more than a year of regular unprotected sex. If you're currently undergoing infertility treatment it's not going as planned, here's how to cope with your situation.

Physical Toll

Being pregnant is hard, but what a lot of people don’t realize is actually getting pregnant could be a whole lot harder. One of the first infertility treatments involves medication (and most other treatments require medication in tandem). According to NHS Choices and American Pregnancy, possible side effects include:

●     Depression, Irritability, or Mood Swings

●     Restlessness, Insomnia, Dizziness, Blurred Vision, or Headaches

●     Nausea or Vomiting

●     Nasal Congestion

●     Hot Flashes, Breast Tenderness, or Decreased Breast Size

●     Decreased Blood Pressure or Bone Density Loss

●     Swelling/Rash at the Injection Site

●     Painful Intercourse, Ovarian Cysts, Pelvic Discomfort, or Vaginal Dryness

●     Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) - This is when medication sensitivity causes too many eggs to develop in the ovaries. Symptoms include pain/bloating in the lower abdomen, vomiting, shortness of breath, and feeling faint.

IVF side effects include clear or bloody fluid, cramping, bloating, constipation, or breast tenderness.

Financial Toll

We know how expensive fertility treatments cost, but since there are so many more options now and more families are utilizing them, more insurance companies are covering certain treatments. In fact, some financiers and medical providers are even offering partial and full refunds when a treatment is unsuccessful.

Emotional Toll

You can find a mental health counselor who specializes in helping deal with infertility through the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. It’s important to talk to someone, even if you’re simply looking for support, but there are plenty of reasons to speak to a fertility counselor.

They can help you when depression starts to transcend other areas of your life, like your relationships or your career. They can also help you sift through all your options, so they don’t overwhelm you. If you’re considering gamete donations, surrogacy, adoption, or a childfree life, you should definitely talk to a counselor about that. It’s a lot to accept, and something you might not realize you need help with.

Even if you have a wonderful, supportive partner, counseling can be great for you. Couples will handle stress in different ways, and a lot of times, it can cause stress between the two. A counselor can help you get through it together or help give you what you need as individuals.

By Joanna Hynes